Mother’s Day for the brokenhearted

Today and everyday I think of my mom and Molly. In many ways, Karen feels farther away than our girl, although she is alive. We don’t talk enough about grieving for the living who are lost to us.

I haven’t seen my mom in over a decade. I’ve given up predicting anything, but it’s unlikely we’ll meet again in this lifetime. Not because we shut her out. She’s sick in many ways and refuses treatment. I still love and miss her. I wish it could be different.

While the pain of losing Molly and my mom is immense, it’s outweighed by love. I’m filled with gratitude for the extraordinary soul who came into our lives in 2008 and made me a mom for the first time. The 12 years we had together were the best of my life. I feel Molly as a source of pure love and guiding light. She will always be one of my greatest blessings.

There is love between Karen and me, as there’s always been (despite our lifelong struggles). We love each other from afar. Not a day passes when I don’t think of her and wonder where she is. If she’s eaten. If she has a decent place to stay. When I’ll get the call that she’s left her damaged body, finally free of pain.

Despite it all, I treasure memories of the good times we had. I love seeing Karen’s many positive qualities in her kids and grandkids. My mom wears her big heart on her sleeve. She’ll give her last dollar to someone she thinks needs it more (partially why she’s ended up with nothing). She’s whip smart, possesses tremendous creative talent and is the life of any party. She gave us gifts, alongside the scars.

Last but not least, I have the most wonderful sons. The love that Nate and Eli give me everyday is a balm to my soul. They make life fun, interesting and meaningful. It’s impossible to stay sad for long around them. No mom could ask for more.

Today is going to be a good one. I no longer feel like I got hit my a truck, as I did the first Mother’s Day after Molly died. I’ve expanded around the grief. I’m going to walk to the beach and spend time with my girl, then have fun with the boys. Life is simultaneously beautiful and brutal.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there, especially those for whom today is hard.